World Suicide Prevention Day

I should have died 5 years ago, but it was like an actual hand pulled the gun away from my head and a voice told me to call my mom. And life got better. It didn’t get perfect, and sometimes it doesn’t feel easier. But I promise you, it’s worth it. You’re worth it.

Stay alive for me. Stay alive for your pets, your parents, your siblings, your job, whatever it is. But most of all, Stay Alive for yourself. Give yourself the chance to experience new things. You are loved and you are worth taking up space in this world.

I never thought I’d ever be able to go to college. People (mostly classmates/bullies) always told me I was stupid because I didn’t talk until the 8th grade. They told me I’d never be able to do certain things because I didn’t talk. They told me I was ugly, stupid, mute, castoff… Teachers didn’t want to help because I was too much work, guidance counselors sent me to the school nurse and even therapists, doctors said “well she just needs to talk.” I had a teacher even send me to the principal’s office because I was too terrified to answer her question in front of the class.

I wasn’t supposed to be happy. That’s what everyone wanted. They enjoyed seeing me fail because it made them look better. It made them feel better when I would cry in front of the class. I caused people frustration, people took offense, they called me “their special project” and didn’t mean it in a good way…

I’ll be 29 in less than a month. Do you think I thought I’d ever make it to 29? I didn’t think I’d make it to 20, and I sure as hell didn’t think I’d make it to 25.

I’m a junior in college. I’ll be a senior in April, and I’ll be done with my Bachelor’s degree program in November 2020. I’m proving so many people wrong and I have no plans to stop.

Yeah I’m in therapy every week, I’ve been to a mental institution a couple times, so what? It helps me. Those things helped make me strong and I live now for myself. For my dog. For those drives in my Jeep. For the day I can say I graduated college and made my parents proud.

And that is why I continue to fight.

Don’t give up hope. The battles you’re fighting today will make you stronger in the future.

#WorldSuicidePreventionDay

Addiction

I’ve struggled with the thought of posting this because I have been told not to “look up to someone with addiction problems.”

Demi Lovato, though, is more than that. I don’t want to sound like a “fan girl” but I guess I just will. Demi Lovato has saved my life a few times. She’s open about her mental health, addiction being one of the main things. She was sober for six years and recently relapsed and went into the hospital for a possible overdose. Luckily she is okay, and I think about how life would change without one of my role models in it.

I know… “You’ve never even met her.” I realize that. But the cool thing about social media or even speaking out is that you don’t have to meet someone for them to have a major impact on your life or for you to impact someone else.

I honestly have no idea how to even continue because I’m so terrified of how people will react to me freaking out, crying, and worrying so hard about a celebrity. Celebrities are human too though and I think people forget that.

I remember when I was in group therapy, I would drive there every morning listening to “Warrior” by Demi Lovato because it would give me a sense of power before I started my day. I would sing the words to myself when I could and it would help me fight. I was so scared of dying, but I wanted to die. I know it doesn’t make sense, but it’s the truth.

I’m done sounding like a “fan girl” as someone has told me in the past.

Someone with an addiction is crying out for help right now. Are you going to help them, or judge them and ignore them? Despite what some may think, addiction is not a choice. Addiction is a mental illness and people need our help. It doesn’t matter who it is. Demi Lovato is in the news right now, so let’s send her uplifting messages, not messages that put her down or messages saying that you don’t feel sorry for her.

How in the world would that help anyone dealing with an addiction? The human species are supposed to be in this together; this life. So let’s help each other. Really.

If you or someone you know is dealing with an addiction, please seek help. There is no shame. Those that do shame you do not matter. There are so many resources to get help, so please take that first step! You are worth it!

Logan Paul…

If you don’t know about Logan Paul, he is a very popular video creator on YouTube. His fans are mostly younger children to older adolescents.

He recently uploaded a video (it has now been deleted) of him and some friends going camping in Suicide Forest in Japan.

Suicide Forest is a forest in Japan where, to be blunt, people go to die by suicide. These people feel so depressed, so worthless, that they go to this forest and kill themselves. Some leave notes, others do not.

The forest is believed to be haunted, which is why it is somewhat of a tourist attraction to those who do not plan to die by suicide.

Thousands of people go in to this forest every year and kill themselves. Tourists come along and find their tents, their old belongings, etc but it has been somewhat of a rare occurrence for someone to see a victim of suicide still in the forest.

Well, Logan Paul did.

Because this guy is so insensitive, he decided to keep filming. He got close up shots of the victim. Because he blurred out the face of the victim, he thought it was okay. He and his friends then decided to laugh about it, claiming that is how they coped.

Now, I do understand that is how some people cope. But why put it in a video? Why keep filming? Why upload it for the world to see, all while knowing the fans are mostly younger children?

I take suicide, mental health, and awareness/prevention very seriously. It is my life. I, along with A LOT of other advocates, are not gonna stand by and let Logan Paul get away with what he did. He did not make a mistake. He made a CHOICE. He CHOSE to continue filming, editing, and uploading that video. He knew it was wrong and did it anyway.

When you know something is wrong and you do it anyway, it’s no longer a mistake. It’s a choice. That’s why I don’t believe his apology.

I feel like my purpose in this world is to educate and advocate about mental health and suicide prevention, and that’s what I intend to do.

I’m literally in college to make helping people and educating people about mental health and suicide prevention my career. This is what I want to do. This situation just hurts my heart.