“Journal #1” (November 20, 2008)
The music is around me, in my head, in my eyes, in my hands. I’m writing it now, flowing so gently on the paper with the words falling from my heart, to my head, to my lead.
Don’t bother me. I’m thinking.
My heart says write this, write that.
I love this; it makes me whole.
Symphonies of my own flow in my head. You will hear them one day, this I promise. Don’t think. Don’t worry. Just write, I tell myself. Just write.
I rush to my stereo, turn up the volume. The speakers move like they are dancing to the rhythm. They are. They love all types of music. Turn up the volume. Watch them dance.
The music is all around me; in my heart, in my hand.
Don’t ever take it away.
These shoes have taken me to the place where I would get the diagnoses that would change my life. They have taken me to the place where I have met people that didn’t want the best for me; they wanted to take advantage of me, to see me fail.
These shoes have taken me to places I never want to go again. They have taken me to places where I’ve felt pain, where I’ve felt anxiety, where I’ve felt stuck.
These shoes have taken me to places where I would have to share my feelings with complete strangers and hope that they didn’t judge me. They have taken me to places where I’ve waited and waited to feel whole again, to feel something, anything at all.
These shoes have taken me to places that I recover and try my best to feel significant. They have taken me to the place where I can speak my soul and help it to heal. They have taken me to the place where I can feel free, where I can feel whole, where I can feel human.
People can judge us. They can slander our name. They can look down on us because we’re different than them… but they can’t take our soul. They can’t take our voice. They don’t know our lives or how we live, why we do the things we do. What we have fought for up until this very moment.
These shoes are dirty, beat down, worn out… but nobody can take away what they’ve been through. What I have been through.
Keep fighting for you and I’ll keep fighting for me.
I saw angels the other day
I looked at them like it was yesterday.
They walked near me, and I felt their love,
and they told me that you are up above.
No more pain, no more tears,
but I wish that you were here.
The moment I knew you were gone
I started to write down for you a song
“Be strong” I told you every day
I wish that I knew what you would say.
I love you my angel, and I’ll see you soon.
I’ll send you a letter in a balloon.
As it travels through the stratosphere, I want you to know
that I always loved you, but I know you had to go.
The pain was too much for you to bear
but I have and always, about you I care.
I know that you’re happy now, my friend,
but don’t let this letter be the end.