Campfire Thoughts

Campfire with my boys

I’m sitting in front of a campfire with my two dogs next to me, I’m looking up at the night sky and I see the stars, I hear the crickets, I see the fireflies… and nothing could ever beat this feeling.

I haven’t felt this happy and content, stress free, no depression, no anxiety, since 2016 when I sat on the beach literally by myself in Okinawa, Japan. It’s a feeling I didn’t think I’d ever feel again. It’s a feeling I thought was just a once in a lifetime type of thing.

I say all of this because I’ve been depressed lately. It started right around my birthday, which is right on time, because I always start getting those holiday blues around my birthday, which is in early October. I didn’t think I’d get out of it. I kept up with my homework, but that’s about it. I was able to have enough energy to hike just once since it’s cooled off. I’m behind on my chores, like cleaning the house. I’ve just been depressed.

I sat at my desk last night and stared at the sand from the beach in Japan I went to (I collect sand from all the beaches I visit), and I thought to myself, “What if I never feel that feeling again? What if I’m stuck forever in this endless cycle of depression?” I can have great days, but it never fails that the bad days happen a day or two after. I have felt stuck in that endless cycle for a long time now. But that day at the beach in Japan proved to me that I can feel like I’m floating and feel like I have no stress or worries, even if only for an hour. But I always thought I’d never feel it again.

Tonight, while I sit around this campfire, I am feeling it again. There’s no better feeling in the world. Tomorrow, maybe it goes back to normal. Or maybe I can live my life like I’m on that beach or I’m sitting in front of a campfire.

It’s time to start living, man. I have to or I’ll feel stuck in this endless cycle forever. It’s time to start traveling, hiking more, camping more, writing more! I’m feeling so inspired to just… write. Everything. No matter how real or honest it gets. I just want to write. I want to live. I want to breathe and not feel trapped. Things are changing, my friends. Keep up with me or get left behind, because I’m not slowing down.

Dear Future Me

Dear future me,

Therapy is going okay. We learned a lot in yesterday’s session, and cried a lot. But that’s nothing to be ashamed of. Remember when we went to Japan to visit family, and then ended up falling in love with the ocean again? I’m hoping to get the coordinates of where we were standing tattooed either on my heart or my forearm. Wherever it is, look at it. Close your eyes and remember the sound of the waves, the air on your face, the sand on your feet. Remember that feeling.

Week 5 of term 1 of school just started. Exciting right?? It’s been tough since we’ve been out of school for 8 years. Whenever you read this, remember how hard you worked. How you beat your own odds. Keep working hard.

Finn is doing great. He’s really starting to warm up to us and cuddle with us. We’ve had him for 5 months now, and he’s already an accomplished service dog. Whenever you read this, give him a big hug and kiss from past me.

I know you lost a couple of best friends in recent years, but don’t let that stop you from making new friends. You have some close friends already, even on the internet, and they are great! I hope you’re still friends with them, and I hope you met a couple of them since you’re in the future. Whenever you read this, tell them past me says hello!

I want to tell you a quote from one of our favorite television shows, One Tree Hill. “Most people are stronger than they know. They just forget to believe it sometimes.” If you’re going through something terrible right now, close your eyes and think of this quote. Listen to the waves. You are strong. You’ve proved it time and time again. Don’t stop proving it to yourself.

Love,

past me