These Shoes

These shoes have taken me to the place where I would get the diagnoses that would change my life. They have taken me to the place where I have met people that didn’t want the best for me; they wanted to take advantage of me, to see me fail.

These shoes have taken me to places I never want to go again. They have taken me to places where I’ve felt pain, where I’ve felt anxiety, where I’ve felt stuck.

These shoes have taken me to places where I would have to share my feelings with complete strangers and hope that they didn’t judge me. They have taken me to places where I’ve waited and waited to feel whole again, to feel something, anything at all.

But…

These shoes have taken me to places that I recover and try my best to feel significant. They have taken me to the place where I can speak my soul and help it to heal. They have taken me to the place where I can feel free, where I can feel whole, where I can feel human.

People can judge us. They can slander our name. They can look down on us because we’re different than them… but they can’t take our soul. They can’t take our voice. They don’t know our lives or how we live, why we do the things we do. What we have fought for up until this very moment.

These shoes are dirty, beat down, worn out… but nobody can take away what they’ve been through. What I have been through.

Keep fighting for you and I’ll keep fighting for me.

Ch-ch-changes

Tumblr- Inspire

Changes are scary.

Being in my late 20s now (OMG), I’ve very much realized that changes happen and yes, they are scary. Positive or negative changes can be scary because no matter what, it changes your routine. I remember when I graduated high school, I was scared of the changes coming for me and my friends. I knew I would no longer see them everyday and that I would have to start working, and it truly terrified me.

When I was 23, I started going to therapy, which was such a massive change for me that I almost didn’t keep going. First of all, I was in group therapy. I hated it and it wasn’t working. I ended up staying in the program for 7 months, because I got used to going and I was scared of not going.

Last year when I started college, it was truly terrifying, but I was so pumped I don’t think I showed my fear. I started college because I did want change. I needed a change in my life that was positive, because up to the day I started, the last few years had been pretty crappy.

I felt like I would never be anybody just because of what people told me. I thought I could never go to college because of what the bullies told me and because of my grades in school. They weren’t horrible, but they weren’t “college material” grades. I stunk in school because I hated it so much.

I needed a change in my life, more so for my happiness. I was tired of going through each day feeling worthless because I wasn’t doing anything with my life. It was literally going nowhere.

I want to point out that if you are not open to change in your routine, that’s okay. I, personally, needed something to change.

The other day I wrote on Facebook that now that I had transportation again, I wanted to take advantage of it and go somewhere with my dog. People encouraged me to go for it because it’s a vacation not only physically, but also mentally. I wrote that I needed a change in routine because I am living a life that is not being lived. I feel like I need to travel more, and see more of the world, even the state to begin with.

Changes can be a great thing; we just have to open our mind and heart to them. Always consider your blessings. God wouldn’t put you through a change that He hasn’t planned specifically for you.

Where I Belong

I’ve stared at the blank screen for days now and the words I want to write still won’t resonate on the screen. The right words are in my head, but for some reason, I can’t seem to type them.

My second college term is officially complete, but in my psychology class a couple of weeks ago, we talked about where we belong in the world. All of my classmates were answering without hesitation. Some answered church or other group, others with their best friend, children, husbands, and wives.

I couldn’t answer. I honestly have no idea where I belong.

Yes, I have my dog, I know, but it still gets lonely since he can’t talk. I don’t have any friends that I talk to regularly or hang out with. I feel like a complete outcast in my family, both immediate and extended. I don’t belong to a church anymore. Even when I went to church, I didn’t belong.

I know this looks like I am begging for sympathy, but that is far from the truth. I don’t need attention. In fact, I hate it.

Where do I belong? Where can I feel like I’m not completely worthless? I don’t belong at home, at church, at school, even online. I try to talk to people on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, even on Xbox Live, and I get nothing. I don’t have a husband or kids. I just truly do not belong anywhere.

I never knew I was having this problem until that particular class a couple of weeks ago. Being a psychology major has opened my eyes to so many problems within myself that I never knew I had. I never really realized that I had them, so I’ve never talked to a therapist about them. But now I can work on fixing them.

So, positive? I know I have this problem of unbelonging so I can hopefully fix it.

Negative? The problem itself.

What about you? Where do you belong?