Time to start fighting back…

I posted an update on my weight loss journey recently and it reminded me that I needed to get back on my diet. But guess what? I didn’t do it. Today, I walked from my house to my camper behind my house, which is about 50 yards away, and I was breathing hard and felt so out of shape. How sad is that? I mean, yes, it is hot outside but I feel like I should be able to walk 50 yards.

I immediately got on Facebook and asked my friends list what advice they had for starting to run and lose weight. Fortunately, I have some amazing people in my friends list so I got a lot of advice and tips.

I’ve come to realize that I am a doormat to binge eating disorder and frankly, I’m tired of it. I want to lose weight, even if only to be able to walk to my camper or go on a hike without feeling like I’m dying on a zero elevation trail. I want to be able to save money and not spend it on snacks throughout the month. I want to feel confident in the clothes I wear and want to wear. I want to be able to walk up to the mailbox without feeling the need to ride the golf cart up there.

So here it is: my pledge. I am going to start dieting again. I am refusing to use the golf cart to navigate around the property at my house. I am going to start exercising and training for a 5k (using the Couch to 5k app). I am refusing to binge eat at any time of the day, especially at night.

Because I want to not only be held accountable, but also actually see any differences, I created an instagram account strictly for my weight loss journey. Please go follow the account and seriously… hold me accountable. I’ll post photos and videos of my journey. This will help me be honest with myself; if I feel embarrassed about taking a photo of the food I am eating, then maybe I shouldn’t be eating it, right?

I have to do this for myself. I hate this photo of myself (to the right) because of how big I am. I know I shouldn’t care, but it’s for my health, both physical and mental.

Let’s do this.


A new approach

Taking a new approach to things and situations can be difficult, but sometimes it’s for the best. So in my attempt to do this, I’ve created a different way to get inspired to write more. This idea popped in my head randomly, even though I’m pretty positive others have thought of it before.

The idea is this: write down some writing prompts (it’s okay to get ideas from Google; write down the ones you’re most interested in) on some note cards, fold them up, and put them in a jar. When you feel uninspired, shake the jar, pick a lucky note card, and boom. Write about what’s on the note card. The writing prompt that I picked was “Find your most popular blog post and write a second series of it or an update on it.” For me, my two most popular blog posts are “Well, here goes…” and “Dear Kobe.” There is honestly nothing else I feel I need to write about Kobe Bryant because it’s still such a sad and tragic loss, and it’s still pretty fresh. This year has felt like two years to me, but unbelievably, at least to me, Kobe only died 5 months ago. Maybe next year I’ll have more to write. Until then, I’ll write about the first post I mentioned, “Well, here goes…”

Basically, in that post, I wrote about having trouble losing weight despite having tried everything to lose the weight. I talked to doctors, did tests, tried a million and one diets, and nothing worked. I decided to have weight loss surgery. This post was written May 11, 2018, and I had the surgery on August 10, 2018. I did the whole thing; the diet leading up to it, the psychiatric testing, the exercising, the seminars, the appointments, everything, leading up to the surgery. For the first few months after the surgery, everything was going pretty good. It was difficult, I won’t lie, but it was okay. I noticed I wasn’t losing weight as quickly as I expected, and frankly, as my doctor expected. I was doing everything right; my mom was helping with portion control, making the right food, and helping me mentally when I really wanted something unhealthy.

I went to the follow up appointments and my stomach healed perfectly. I was sticking to the diet and losing weight here and there. I lost right at 30 pounds. I loved the way I felt and even looked. My face was slimmer and I even lowered my blood sugar, blood pressure, and cholesterol levels. I was so proud of myself, but in the back of my head, the depression said it wasn’t good enough. The thing is, it wouldn’t let me do what I had to do to lose more weight either. Eventually, I had that first bite of unhealthy food. It’s gone downhill since then.

I gained those 30 pounds back, plus about 5 more. I’m disappointed, I’m ashamed. I started trying to exercise again and I just do not have the energy to do it. I love hiking, but I haven’t hiked all year.

I went to my doctor about a month ago and asked her to check my thyroid because it can have a huge effect on weight loss and weight gain. I was even hoping there was something wrong just so it could be the solution to my problem. The tests came back normal.

I am starting to look into a personal trainer of some kind or even a nutritionist to help me. I will find out what I’m doing wrong or simply not doing to lose weight.

So that’s the update. The surgery didn’t work for me, but I have seen that it works for so many people. I would never discourage it, but don’t use it as an excuse to not put in the work. Having the surgery means putting in MORE work. It was the ultimate last resort for me. I am discouraged because of my weight loss journey, but I am not giving up. I just need to find what works for me. I’ve tried a lot of different things, but I haven’t tried them all. Finding the approach that works for me can be a life changer and life saver.