7 years.

7 years since I started my mental health journey.
7 years since my “meltdown.”
7 years since that suicide attempt.
7 years since I was checked into a mental health facility for the first time that would change my life.
7 years.

I’m not free from depression, but I’m here.
I’m not free from anxiety, but I’m here.
I’m not free from the OCD, but I’m here.
I’m not free from the eating disorder, but I’m here.

But one thing I am free from…. the overwhelming and overpowering need and want to die.

To leave everything behind. To leave everyone behind.

Each year that passes gives me more strength for the next year.

I’ve been tested, I’ve been ridiculed, I’ve been mocked, I’ve been treated like a criminal, I’ve been judged, I’ve been bullied.

But I’ve been strong.

No one can take that away from me.

Here’s to writing something new next year.

Be A Nobody

I am guilty of saying from time to time that “nobody loves me.” I think we’re all guilty, right? It’s something that the depression and anxiety convinces me is true.

Is it true, though?


I’ve got my family and friends that love me. So why I let myself get convinced is beyond me.

I was writing for my novel the other day and I’m sure it’s been used before, but for me, it popped up in my head randomly: If you believe nobody loves you, I will be a nobody. If you believe that nobody is proud of you, I will be a nobody. If you believe that nobody notices you, I will be a nobody.

I fell in love with that line and I plan to use it for my mental health advocacy now.

But I wanted to share it here too. Let’s be those nobodies for people. Call me nobody, call me a nobody, I don’t care, but I will be nobody for you.

Find your nobody and let them love you.


It Doesn’t Feel Real

It took me a long time to muster up the courage to write here again. Because of school, because of life.

I have a hard time keeping focus with so many things, yet I continue to do it to myself. But now I’m a college graduate, so that’s not an excuse anymore. And that’s all they were: excuses. Writing is something that is therapeutic for me, yet I, my brain, would make excuses. I could even go as far as saying that I didn’t feel like people were reading my blogs. But writing to me is something I’d never give up on.

The main excuse? I lost my best friend in January. I hadn’t talked to her in a few months and I regret it. But now she’s gone forever and I can’t text her anymore. I can’t talk to her about our dogs, video games, horror movies, and just… life. I can’t do it anymore. There’s no way around it…. and it sucks. It still doesn’t feel real. None of it will ever feel real ever again. And now, I am making new friends and I won’t lie and I say I don’t feel guilty because I do. I’ve even told them I’m terrified of getting close to them because I believe something will happen to them, which is wild. I know I’m not the reason my friends died, but I was the mutual. I was the one in the middle. I can’t get past the fact that if something else happens to one of my new friends, it would be my fault.

This is grief. This is loss. This is depression. This is anxiety.

Stay afloat, friends. I’ll keep treading water and staying afloat as well. Until then…. tell your friends you love them.

x Ali

Mental health is just as important as physical health

Mental health is physical health.

I preach that a lot on my social media because, simply put, it’s true.

At the risk of sounding educational and writing this like a school paper, I want to inform you of just a few things.

  1. Mental health is physical health. I said this already. Got it. But knowing this could help reduce the stigma surrounding mental health. There are still so many people that believe depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, etc. are all made up and that people with those illnesses are crazy. And that’s another thing: stop calling people crazy that battle with mental illness. It’s not appropriate nor is it even remotely accurate.
  2. Mental illnesses are not only mental, they are physical as well. Ask anyone with an anxiety disorder. I’ll use myself as an example. I battle with pretty bad social anxiety. It keeps me from having a job like any other “normal” person. When I go out in public, I feel physical symptoms. It’s not just “Oh man I’m so nervous!” It’s also sweating, racing heart, and dizziness. That doesn’t even include the symptoms from a panic attack I may have.
  3. Depression can be fatal, just like any other physical illness. Yes for real. Suicide is not just something people do to “get out,” “get bailed out,” or do just for “attention.” I can promise you if someone dies by suicide, they suffered… bad. Suicide is the final symptom of depression, and some people never reach that final symptom, but that doesn’t mean they don’t suffer too. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen on social media, even on my friends list on Facebook, that people still believe that suicide is selfish and that the person that passed away “took the easy way out.” Come on. That’s not fair and it’s undermining the battle that the person fought literally on a daily basis.
  4. “You’re making it up to get out of doing (this) or (that). Just smile!” Okay… first, that’s just not that easy and you know it. Second… don’t you think if we could “just smile” and everything would be fine that we would have done it a long time ago? Depression takes away your energy. You have to make yourself do anything. So no… we’re not just “making it up” to get out of anything.

Think of it like this.

There are people in the hospital with cancer and they of course are getting the help they need. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not taking ANYTHING away from anyone and their battle with cancer and chemo. But just like you can see cancer on an MRI or PET scan, you can also see depression in an fMRI or PET scan. The scan can pick up abnormalities or different brain activity in someone with depression compared to someone without depression.


People with cancer go to the hospital to get treated, and so do people with broken bones. It doesn’t matter what the problem is, to the person battling with it, it’s big to them (Again, I know cancer is a major problem compared to a broken bone, I’m just using a broken bone for the example). Just because depression is “invisible” to other people (because as we know, depression shows physical symptoms as well), does not mean you don’t deserve the help, whether it be with therapy, medication, or even ecotherapy. Broken bones heal and they’re good to go after a month or two. But unfortunately, mental illness is an ongoing disease.

Please stop thinking depression or any other mental illness is not as important as physical health, but it is physical health. The brain and the body should not be categorized into two totally separate types of healthcare. Mental health is physical health and physical health is healthcare. Healthcare is healthcare.

The World Health Organization defines health as a state of complete physical, mental, and social well-being and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity.

There is no health without mental health.