It Doesn’t Feel Real

It took me a long time to muster up the courage to write here again. Because of school, because of life.

I have a hard time keeping focus with so many things, yet I continue to do it to myself. But now I’m a college graduate, so that’s not an excuse anymore. And that’s all they were: excuses. Writing is something that is therapeutic for me, yet I, my brain, would make excuses. I could even go as far as saying that I didn’t feel like people were reading my blogs. But writing to me is something I’d never give up on.

The main excuse? I lost my best friend in January. I hadn’t talked to her in a few months and I regret it. But now she’s gone forever and I can’t text her anymore. I can’t talk to her about our dogs, video games, horror movies, and just… life. I can’t do it anymore. There’s no way around it…. and it sucks. It still doesn’t feel real. None of it will ever feel real ever again. And now, I am making new friends and I won’t lie and I say I don’t feel guilty because I do. I’ve even told them I’m terrified of getting close to them because I believe something will happen to them, which is wild. I know I’m not the reason my friends died, but I was the mutual. I was the one in the middle. I can’t get past the fact that if something else happens to one of my new friends, it would be my fault.

This is grief. This is loss. This is depression. This is anxiety.

Stay afloat, friends. I’ll keep treading water and staying afloat as well. Until then…. tell your friends you love them.

x Ali

2 thoughts on “It Doesn’t Feel Real

  • Ali I’m so proud of you for pushing yourself and accomplishing so much. I know you are good friends with my Grandaughter Heather and I know you both suffered a loss, but I am sure she would have wanted the best for you. So you keep your chin up and keep making good friends.

    Like

    • Thank you so much. I love Heather and I hate that this happened, but I told her I’d always be there throughout this grieving process. It’s so difficult and I’m still in shock but each day gets a tiny bit easier.

      Like

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