Fear Is Complex

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I have struggled with fear my entire life. I’ve let it consume me. I’ve let it eat me alive. I’ve let it control me. I’m scared of my fear. I’m fearful of my fear. It’s redundancy that is another fear of mine, and there I go again.

I’m scared of doing the same thing over and over and over again, but I’m also scared of change. It doesn’t make sense, does it?

The thing is, fear is complex. I think everybody has their own definition of what fear is because each person might be afraid of a totally different thing than the person sitting next to them. For instance, I am afraid of people. I am. I am afraid that someone will hurt me – physically or even mentally. I was never beaten by my parents, but when I was in school, I was physically bullied alongside the harsh words those people would say to me. It’s stuck with me ever since, I guess. I don’t like to be touched at all by someone I don’t know, but especially men. I can honestly say that men terrify me.

This blog is an open book for me. I don’t go around telling random people that I don’t trust people to the point of a “no touching” rule. Especially about the “no touching” rule around men. Because of this fear, I am asexual. I have no desire in the world to ever be touched by anyone, ever.

I have a fear of the dark. I have a fear of driving at night. I have a fear of going to the store (or anywhere) alone. Ah, social anxiety. The thing that has followed me since childhood.

I have a fear of being left alone. I have a fear of talking to strangers. I have a lot of fears. Irrational fears and rational fears… I also have a fear of snakes. I consider that to be normal since a lot of people are also afraid of snakes.

My point is, why do I let these irrational fears consume me? I am constantly losing friends because I’m afraid to hang out with them or even afraid to communicate because I might say the wrong thing or that they’re mad at me or think I’m “crazy.” Ugh, I hate the word crazy. H A T E it.

I would define fear as dread, fear of the unknown, fear of the thing you know but are trying desperately to un-know, fear of someone else, and helplessness. Fear is that sense of anxiety when you realize your failure is impending if you don’t or can’t move quickly enough.

How do you define fear? I’m curious to know how different we are, the differences in fears.

Ali Vee

One thought on “Fear Is Complex

  • I’m afraid of mannequins, mascot costumes, and left turns while driving.

    I’m also scared of rejection, loud noises, my own inadequacy, making minor mistakes, and a lot of other things.

    I’m scared that any second now, my best friend and my husband will drop me like a rock because I’m too difficult to deal with. It looks like my own family already has, so I’m waiting for the inevitable. I constantly worried that they’re just with me just to humor me. But they’re also the only ones in this world who keep me grounded.

    I’m scared of football games because of all the whooping, hollering, and beating on furniture that comes along with it. I’m scared that any second now, they’re going to find a second target: me. I’ve never been beaten by my parents (only spanked), but I have witnessed my dad hit my mom for the first two years of my life. I’ve seen what true anger and manipulation can do, and it terrifies me.

    I have a lot of other examples that I’m scared to go into. Everything is so complicated, and if I’m honest, 99% of why I’m in therapy is family-related. Hopefully I’ll push past one day. But for the time being…I’m stuck in the fear and unable to move.

    Like

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