7 years.

7 years since I started my mental health journey.
7 years since my “meltdown.”
7 years since that suicide attempt.
7 years since I was checked into a mental health facility for the first time that would change my life.
7 years.

I’m not free from depression, but I’m here.
I’m not free from anxiety, but I’m here.
I’m not free from the OCD, but I’m here.
I’m not free from the eating disorder, but I’m here.

But one thing I am free from…. the overwhelming and overpowering need and want to die.

To leave everything behind. To leave everyone behind.

Each year that passes gives me more strength for the next year.

I’ve been tested, I’ve been ridiculed, I’ve been mocked, I’ve been treated like a criminal, I’ve been judged, I’ve been bullied.

But I’ve been strong.

No one can take that away from me.

Here’s to writing something new next year.

Be A Nobody

I am guilty of saying from time to time that “nobody loves me.” I think we’re all guilty, right? It’s something that the depression and anxiety convinces me is true.

Is it true, though?

No.

I’ve got my family and friends that love me. So why I let myself get convinced is beyond me.

I was writing for my novel the other day and I’m sure it’s been used before, but for me, it popped up in my head randomly: If you believe nobody loves you, I will be a nobody. If you believe that nobody is proud of you, I will be a nobody. If you believe that nobody notices you, I will be a nobody.

I fell in love with that line and I plan to use it for my mental health advocacy now.

But I wanted to share it here too. Let’s be those nobodies for people. Call me nobody, call me a nobody, I don’t care, but I will be nobody for you.

Find your nobody and let them love you.

X

It Doesn’t Feel Real

It took me a long time to muster up the courage to write here again. Because of school, because of life.

I have a hard time keeping focus with so many things, yet I continue to do it to myself. But now I’m a college graduate, so that’s not an excuse anymore. And that’s all they were: excuses. Writing is something that is therapeutic for me, yet I, my brain, would make excuses. I could even go as far as saying that I didn’t feel like people were reading my blogs. But writing to me is something I’d never give up on.

The main excuse? I lost my best friend in January. I hadn’t talked to her in a few months and I regret it. But now she’s gone forever and I can’t text her anymore. I can’t talk to her about our dogs, video games, horror movies, and just… life. I can’t do it anymore. There’s no way around it…. and it sucks. It still doesn’t feel real. None of it will ever feel real ever again. And now, I am making new friends and I won’t lie and I say I don’t feel guilty because I do. I’ve even told them I’m terrified of getting close to them because I believe something will happen to them, which is wild. I know I’m not the reason my friends died, but I was the mutual. I was the one in the middle. I can’t get past the fact that if something else happens to one of my new friends, it would be my fault.

This is grief. This is loss. This is depression. This is anxiety.

Stay afloat, friends. I’ll keep treading water and staying afloat as well. Until then…. tell your friends you love them.

x Ali